Friday, June 27, 2008

I love shoes and coupons

I love shoes. Surprising I know! I really do love shoes. They make me happy. They are beautiful little things that always fit and can make even the worst day a little better. Good shoes put a spring in your step and a smile on your face. I even get excited about shoes for my boys. They are WAY cheaper than my shoes and so stinkin' cute.

I found a pair of shoes for Colin the other day. I was shoe shopping for my self (again, shocking, I know) and I saw them. The perfect little man shoes for his fat little feet. Gotta love little boy perfection for a mere $10. They are as much a show stopper as even my best shoes. Colin went running down the halls of school the other day squealing as he usually does. I heard from around the corner, "OHHH! Look at those SHOES! Those are ridiculous." Yes they are. Mike said all he's missing is a puka shell necklace.

I also love coupons. I feel so victorious when I can walk out of Target with a bunch of diapers and wipes for little money and a $5 gift card in my pocket. Today, in case you were wondering, I used $37.85 worth of coupons. Yes I am that good. Still, nothing will ever top the Great Target Baby Food Sale of 2007, but the everyday victories against diaper prices make me smile...almost as much as a really great pair of shoes.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Tailnoes and kids at school

Every kid has their own way of saying hard words. Sometimes even the everyday things get morphed into something else. Raph is no exception. He started out with the ubiquitous 'Bah'. Everything from bananas to babies were 'bah'. Gradually his vocabulary increased and things got shortened. Raisins were rainy. Awww. Other things were expletives. He had an uncanny knack for making everyday words into something that would make your grandma blush. Why a duck is a duck yet says 'f***-f***' I do not know.

Raph is now 4 and says most things clearly. He can say finger nails but those things on your feet? Now those are tailnoes. Each other? Wur-chudder? Surprises? that happens I do not know. He's very interested in words and meanings and spelling. So in the process he makes grand prairie dogs pray? Hmmm, interesting idea but I think no.

Onto the kids at school:

Raph goes to school with about 20 other kids. There is always some sort of drama. I hear all about it on the way home from school. Who got check marks and nearly fell and broke their teeth and who cried. Very interesting stuff.

Yesterday on the way home he says, "Mommy. You know those gummy worms?" "Yes" "Yeah well Owen eats REAL worms." Somehow I think that is a direct result of kids not being nice to Owen and making fun of him. Later at dinner we start talking about Owen and his bug and worm eating. "But Ethan said it first!" Suuuure he did. "Owen wasn't being nice and we were trying to get him to be nice. And we called him Pizza Head." ::thud:: You should never take the witness stand Raph. Ever.

We try to instill good values and kindness in our kids. We try to raise them to be good people, outstanding members of society. Then again he is a 4 year old little boy. Kids will be kids, they will call each other names and be best friends again 2 minutes later. I just hate to think MY kid was the one calling names, or idly standing by while another friend does the name calling.

Raph mostly talks about the boys in his class. Except his two revolving girlfriends Isabel and Sophie, of course. I must say, though, I have a special fondness for Amy and Estella. I know I'm having a good shoe day when I hear from one of those two girls. They definitely have an eye for fashion. I heard from one future fashonista yesterday, "RAPH'S MOMMY! RAPH'S MOMMY! I LIKE YOUR SHOES!" Little Amy was screaming at me from the top of the slide. How she could spot my shoes from the other side of the playground I do not know. I wave and say thank you. That wasn't enough. Amy comes running over breathless, "Raph's Mommy. I like your shoes. And your dress. And your earrings." Thank you honey. "Yeah gold earrings are better. They don't have bacteria."

There you have it. Gold earrings are better b/c they don't have bacteria. You learn something new everyday.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

What you missed by not being at my house today

Colin does this. Then I clean it up. In the process of my cleaning he makes ANOTHER mess. Naturally. I'm bent over cleaning that mess up and Raph walks over, hikes his leg, spreads his butt cheeks and farts in my general direction. W.T.F?
Later on the sprinkler guy comes over to turn on the sprinklers. He's very nice and Raph follows him all over and chatting incessantly. They guy has to replace some rubber things on the one thing that you turn the system on. (Clearly this is the first time I've ever had a sprinkler system.) Its right by our front porch and so Raph sits dangling his legs over the side asking him questions.
It goes something like this:
R: What's that?
SG: Its a ________. (remember I don't know jack about sprinklers)
R: Why are you here?
SG: B/c I'm the sprinkler guy.
R: Why are you the sprinkler guy?
SG: Its my job to fix sprinklers.
R: What are you doing?
SG: Fixing your sprinklers.
R: Why is that your job?
SG: B/c I didn't go to school.
R: You didn't go to school?
SG: No I didn't go to college so its my job to fix sprinklers.
::spray of water and Raph is distracted::
R: Why didn't you go to school?
Me::thinks how the hell do I make this line of questioning stop?! ::
::spray of water again::
R: That water scared me!
R: What are you doing?
SG: Trying to fix this part.
R: Don't break it.
SG: Believe me I'm trying not to. This thing costs more than I'm worth.
R: Yeah. I does.
::palm to forehead::

Friday, June 13, 2008

Spanx shopping...with 2 boys

We've all heard people RAVE about Spanx. They are a girl's best friend. They suck you in, lift you up and get rid of unsightly VPL (visible panty lines). Yesterday I looked online to see the different styles they make. I have a wedding to go to and I have horrible VPL with the dress I'm wearing. The website shows the amazing transformations. I'm sold. Plus they are *only* $36. Perfect. No time to order online so I'll just run out to the store and get a pair.

Wedding is Saturday. In the morning. That leaves Friday while I'm home with the boys. I load them up and go Spanx shopping. Not ideal but it can't be that bad right? We get to the mall and its raining and for some reason that makes all mall traffic turn into a game of Mario Cart or something. Cars whipping in and out, swerving around cones and pedestrians. We find a spot, load Colin into the stroller and I put my death grip on Raph's hand. I walk past some erie make shift support beams in the garage. That can't be good. Makes me think the second story is going to come crashing down at any moment. ::note to self. Ask Mike if there are any construction suits involving mall parking garages:: As we are walking Raph asks loudly what we are doing.
"Mommy needs special underwear."
"Why are they special?"
"Because they are long."
"Why do you need MORE underwear? Do you not have enough underwear?"
"No, not special underwear...lets go."

We enter Nordstrom's. I feel poor. Poorly dressed (I'm not) and just down trodden. Department stores shouldn't be so fancy. I love it all the same. We enter in the kids department and I notice a cute shirt for Raph and some new underwear with sock monkeys on them. What little boy doesn't need sock monkey boxer briefs? I grab those as we pass.

I navigate the store trying to keep Raph from breaking something, knocking something over or getting lost. We find the Spanx. Racks of them. I catch a glimpse of Raph out of the corner of my eye...running underneath a rack of bras with his arms over his head and slapping each one as he goes by. Crap. RAPH! GET OVER HERE! (in my best low mean mommy voice). He makes his way over to me weaving in and out of racks of underwear and stands next to me. "Put your hands on the stroller and don't go anywhere or we don't go out for lunch." He procedes to bounce Colin around in the stroller but its better than fondling unmentionables right? I notice everyone around me is perfectly dressed, manicured and their equally beautiful children are politely sitting in strollers and holding mommy's hand. Sigh.

I select my Spanx...*tight* and *I can't breathe*. Off to the dressing room to try on *special* underwear with a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old...Did I mention they are boys? I take off my shoes. "I have to go potty." Of course he does. I put my shoes back on, load up the Spanx and go in search of a bathroom. Once that's taken care of we go back to the dressing room. I start squeezing into the first pair and I look over and Raph has no pants on and is admiring his own underwear in the mirror. Whatever. Then in loud little kid voice he points out that I'm naked (I'm not) and that "Opps that was a fart." Fights with his tshirt again, "Opps that was another fart." Colin grabs my butt and pops my regular underwear. Sigh. After trying them on I'm horrified how I look like a tube sausage and no one should ever see that, BUT under a dress...

Remember how I said they were $36? Well at Nordstrom's they are $68. They better make me look like I have a 16 yr old body under my dress when I get home for that price! My plan was to try them on under my dress to see if they did in fact make my body look like it did when it was 16 and be happy with my purchase. If not I'd return them. I select *tight* and put *I can't breathe* back on the racks. At the check out Raph sits in an arm chair and politely thumbs thru In Style Magazine. I joke with the ladies checking out about how lovely it is to go Spanx shopping with little boys. We all laugh. It is absurd right? I'm shopping for a girtle with two small boys.

Colin starts yelling and trying to stand up in the stroller so we go quickly. We navigate the death trap parking garage and go to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch. After eating at Sweet Tomatoes for an hour and fifteen minutes...yes it took that long for them to eat...we come home. While I'm in another room Raph gets some scissors and cuts the tags off my new Spanx. ::thud:: Well I can't very well return a pair of *special* underwear without tags and swear you didn't wear them. So now I own this very expensive pair of *special* underwear whether I like it or not.

Then he woke up Colin from a very short nap. I would go off to cry in my beer but I can't afford beer b/c of my $68 special underwear.

Oh and by the way...Colin's limbs are purple again.

20 Questions and 5 Answers

The Questions*:

1. What time is it?
2. How many chicken nuggets do I have to eat?
3. What day is it? Is it Friday?
4. What does Friday mean?
5. Why did we move into this bigger house so that Colin has more room to crawl and has his own room?
6. Do dinosaurs bite people?
7. What does G-S-T-E-R-P spell?
8. Why can't I eat applesauce on the couch? Its the snack couch.
9. Why did you have a baby brother for me to play with?
10. Do you remember when I was in your tummy? I do.
11. Can I have some more milk/raisins/melon/noodles/crackers......?
12. Why can't I put this blanket on Colin's head?
13. Why do I have to brush my teeth everyday?
14. Can I put the soap in the washing machine?
15. How did the doctor take Colin out of your tummy?
16. Why is Daddy working so long today? (asked at 10:32 am)
17. Why do I go to school all these days so you can go to work?
18. Do you remember last year when I took a bath?
19. Why do you keep saying, "No." all these days?
20. Why can't I go on an airplane today? Is the airport closed? Did the airplane leave without us again?!

*Note: repeat these questions and other similarly inane questions ad nauseum 27 more times throughout the day and that might be what its like to be Raph's mom.

The Answers:

1. No.
2. I just answered that I'm not saying it again.
3. You just answered that question in your own question!
4. Because I said so.
5. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh! (runs car off road in a blaze of glory)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Kid Has Purple Limbs

Recent, ridiculous, events in my life prompted me to start a blog. I didn't *get* blogs, but then I started reading a friend's blog. I liked it. I liked her pictures and her stories. I have pictures AND stories. My stories are more crazy than the pictures so they need a venue. My pictures can add faces to the characters.

For now I will start with "My kid has purple limbs":

Most parents of small children can rattle off a laundry list of childhood illnesses, incubation periods and severity. I recently said, "I love Fifth Disease. Its definitely the best virus out there." Really, it is. Your kid gets a fever for part of a day. A couple days later they look like someone was repeatedly slapping them on the face. Then a few days after that, a weird lacy rash pops up on the arms and legs. That's pretty much it. In the world of childhood illness, that's a great virus.

Then MY kids get it. Nothing can ever be easy with my boys. It started out great. Short fever then they have the rash. It lingers but its not a big deal. Well, its been a month, they both still have the rash that is exacerbated by sun and heat. Its summer, so they flare up daily. Then I get it. I'm a wimp, or so it seems, b/c my joints ache. I itch. I have unsightly rashes and shaving feels like taking a loofa to a sunburn. My kids have had it for a month and counting so I'm in it for a loooooong time. Whatever. Still not really a big deal. (I say this now but if I still have this rash in Mexico heads will roll.)

Yesterday I get Colin, my 1 yr old, up from his nap. He is uber crabby but pacified after gorging on melon. I take him to the sink to wash his hands and I notice it. Hmm. His arms are purple. Wait. His LEGS are purple too. I mommy archive of illnesses flutters and all I can think of is a. He's cold (wrong) b. his circulation is cut off (wrong). WTF? WHY would my kid's limbs be purple?

I call my ped's office b/c its 4:30 pm. Naturally. Things like this never happen at 8:00 am. Ever. After some back and forth with the nurse she says, "The Dr wants you to take him to the ER." Being the ever diligent mother that I am I ask, "Can he wait an hour and THEN go? Just to make sure?" No. At least the ped can call ahead and let them know I'm coming. That's my ray of sunshine to a dismal evening at the ER.

I'm off to the ER with my happy, yet purple baby. We get there and he's more red than purple but we go in to see the Dr anyway. After some chatting she thinks its some weird variant of Fifth Disease. Remember the virus I said I liked? The very mild illness every kid and their mother, as it were, gets at some time or another. But to be on the safe side she wanted to take chest xrays of Colin since he's a preemie. Never know when previously undiagnosed heart conditions can make your limbs purple for a couple hours. Meanwhile, Colin is running laps up and down the ER hallway wearing nothing but a diaper and some drool, clutching a pocket pack of tissues and yelling at nurses. FOR TWO HOURS. He's briefly interrupted by the new kid torture that is the chest xray. Then he was off to running naked down the halls. I'm pretty sure all the other mothers with their very ill children were more than a little confused by this rash covert maniac busting into their rooms.

His chest xray looked fine as you can imagine and I chatted with the lovely ER dr about our shared pediatrician and daycare providers and we were sent home with, "Yep. He's fine, just giving his mama some gray hairs." Such is my life. Purple limbs and gray hairs.