We've all heard people RAVE about Spanx. They are a girl's best friend. They suck you in, lift you up and get rid of unsightly VPL (visible panty lines). Yesterday I looked online to see the different styles they make. I have a wedding to go to and I have horrible VPL with the dress I'm wearing. The website shows the amazing transformations. I'm sold. Plus they are *only* $36. Perfect. No time to order online so I'll just run out to the store and get a pair.
Wedding is Saturday. In the morning. That leaves Friday while I'm home with the boys. I load them up and go Spanx shopping. Not ideal but it can't be that bad right? We get to the mall and its raining and for some reason that makes all mall traffic turn into a game of Mario Cart or something. Cars whipping in and out, swerving around cones and pedestrians. We find a spot, load Colin into the stroller and I put my death grip on Raph's hand. I walk past some erie make shift support beams in the garage. That can't be good. Makes me think the second story is going to come crashing down at any moment. ::note to self. Ask Mike if there are any construction suits involving mall parking garages:: As we are walking Raph asks loudly what we are doing.
"Mommy needs special underwear."
"Why are they special?"
"Because they are long."
"Why do you need MORE underwear? Do you not have enough underwear?"
"No, not special underwear...lets go."
We enter Nordstrom's. I feel poor. Poorly dressed (I'm not) and just down trodden. Department stores shouldn't be so fancy. I love it all the same. We enter in the kids department and I notice a cute shirt for Raph and some new underwear with sock monkeys on them. What little boy doesn't need sock monkey boxer briefs? I grab those as we pass.
I navigate the store trying to keep Raph from breaking something, knocking something over or getting lost. We find the Spanx. Racks of them. I catch a glimpse of Raph out of the corner of my eye...running underneath a rack of bras with his arms over his head and slapping each one as he goes by. Crap. RAPH! GET OVER HERE! (in my best low mean mommy voice). He makes his way over to me weaving in and out of racks of underwear and stands next to me. "Put your hands on the stroller and don't go anywhere or we don't go out for lunch." He procedes to bounce Colin around in the stroller but its better than fondling unmentionables right? I notice everyone around me is perfectly dressed, manicured and their equally beautiful children are politely sitting in strollers and holding mommy's hand. Sigh.
I select my Spanx...*tight* and *I can't breathe*. Off to the dressing room to try on *special* underwear with a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old...Did I mention they are boys? I take off my shoes. "I have to go potty." Of course he does. I put my shoes back on, load up the Spanx and go in search of a bathroom. Once that's taken care of we go back to the dressing room. I start squeezing into the first pair and I look over and Raph has no pants on and is admiring his own underwear in the mirror. Whatever. Then in loud little kid voice he points out that I'm naked (I'm not) and that "Opps that was a fart." Fights with his tshirt again, "Opps that was another fart." Colin grabs my butt and pops my regular underwear. Sigh. After trying them on I'm horrified how I look like a tube sausage and no one should ever see that, BUT under a dress...
Remember how I said they were $36? Well at Nordstrom's they are $68. They better make me look like I have a 16 yr old body under my dress when I get home for that price! My plan was to try them on under my dress to see if they did in fact make my body look like it did when it was 16 and be happy with my purchase. If not I'd return them. I select *tight* and put *I can't breathe* back on the racks. At the check out Raph sits in an arm chair and politely thumbs thru In Style Magazine. I joke with the ladies checking out about how lovely it is to go Spanx shopping with little boys. We all laugh. It is absurd right? I'm shopping for a girtle with two small boys.
Colin starts yelling and trying to stand up in the stroller so we go quickly. We navigate the death trap parking garage and go to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch. After eating at Sweet Tomatoes for an hour and fifteen minutes...yes it took that long for them to eat...we come home. While I'm in another room Raph gets some scissors and cuts the tags off my new Spanx. ::thud:: Well I can't very well return a pair of *special* underwear without tags and swear you didn't wear them. So now I own this very expensive pair of *special* underwear whether I like it or not.
Then he woke up Colin from a very short nap. I would go off to cry in my beer but I can't afford beer b/c of my $68 special underwear.
Oh and by the way...Colin's limbs are purple again.