Fear of what may be is what kept me from wanting to have another child. I think God just knew I wouldn't actually dive in head first so He threw us the majorly surprising blessing. I am excited about the prospect of another baby its that whole pesky pregnancy part that gets me. Raph's pregnancy was fine...until the end when that whole preterm labor bit happened, followed by bedrest and other fun stuff. Colin was torture right from the beginning. I don't use torture lightly, it really was the longest 34 wks I've ever been through and I was far from eager to repeat it. Just a brief recap...it began with insomnia and migraines, spontaneous bleeding, 6 months of morning (read: all day) sickness and ended with stabbing back pain from a pregnancy induced kidney problem, being bruised from the inside by my darling baby in utero and being on a first name basis with the Labor and Delivery staff that worked the Wednesday night shift. Yes it was always a Wednesday night. Always. I felt a little like Norm from Cheers. "MARCELLA! What can I do for you tonight?" How about an ultrasound, double shot of terbuteline and a shot in the ass for good measure.
Then there was the whole NICU bit. I really don't want to have to go through that again. We sort of felt like we had been really lucky and having another child would be tempting the preterm labor gods one time too many. I have been terrified of this pregnancy but as I cross over to the second trimester my fears have eased some. I don't know what this pregnancy will be like. I sort of feel like I'm reliving Colin's pregnancy at times but not entirely and for that I am truly grateful. I still wonder about that whole kidney thing and if it might come back. When the doctor finally figured that one out, thank you renal ultrasound guy, my friend said to me, "You should call Guinness because you have got to have the most ridiculous pregnancy EVER." Seriously, I couldn't dream this stuff up, but I'm a great resource to anyone who's pregnant because I've had so many random ass things happen to me.
So my future is somewhat uncertain. I'm hoping and praying for an easier pregnancy, limited bedrest and a full term baby. That's not too much to ask right? The things I can control are the new car I'm going to have to get...NOT a minivan thank you very much. Buying new clothes for this baby. Picking a name for this baby. And preparing my other children for this new little miracle.
Raph was very excited by the prospect of a new baby. Our conversation went something like this:
You know how you were in my tummy?
You know how Colin was in my tummy?
Well there's another baby in my tummy.
His face just lit up and he sucked in air and had a huge smile
ITS ALREADY IN THERE!
How do you know?!
I went to the doctor and he told me.
He had huge smiles and rubbed my belly and said, "There's a baby in your tummy! We'll have to tell daddy when he gets home tonight!"
His little wheels were turning and he thought of all kinds of logistical things. Some was just 'oh we'll have TWO babies in the house!" Then more real things like 'there will be a lot more work and we will have to change TWO babies' diapers.' He did also ask if I'd have to start going to that doctor place again. It took me a while to figure it out but he was talking about me going to Labor and Delivery all the time. Unfortunately yes, I will but it will be ok. He went on to talk about how I'd have to get out my breast pump and pump milk again. There would be THREE kinds of milk in the fridge (soy, cow and baby milk). And we'd have to get baby swallow food (baby food) again.
Then he said we'd have to get another crib. I told him that maybe we could just get a big boy bed for Colin. He said, "Or he could just sleep with me!" I said that maybe we could just get a big bed and put it in his room for Colin to sleep. He thought that was a good idea but Colin's bed would have to have edges on it so he wouldn't fall out and get hurt. He was so freakin' cute it was unreal.
Then later we were on the couch and his knees were kind of in my belly. He looked down and moved them, "Oh I better move my legs and feet because you have a baby in your tummy!" He's so conscientious and loving. He kept rubbing my belly and talking about the baby with such excitement. I asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister and he said he didn't care and we'd just have to find out when the doctor takes the baby out of my tummy.
He's such a good boy. I just love him. He made me truly excited for this new little one.