Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I have flurries of activity. Quick little bursts of energy where I get so much done all in a very short time period. If I were pregnant it would be called "nesting" but I'm not so its just "periodic housewifery". I feel like I have so many things to do at any given moment that I'm usually paralyzed. I'm in a perpetual state of waiting. I can't do this because I need to wait for that. I bounce around never really finishing...or starting for that matter...things that need to be done. I get so bogged down in the enormity of it all that I just give up. I do the bare minimum and have that dreaded mental clutter weighing me down.

So much of my life at this point is drudgery. I am a restless stay-at-home-mom. Its taxing in the banality of it all. Its not so much hard as it is soul crushing and boring. I've been trying to take things in baby steps. I know that I need to gut my office and start over. Just remove every single item and reorganize and purge. Same with my closets or the kitchen or the kids' toys. Its not really fun and there are all these little people in the way! So I stew over what I should be doing. Berate myself for not having done a damn thing all day. I may have gone grocery shopping or made dinner or did the laundry but that's the bare minimum. That's merely survival. What I need to do is break it down into doable parts. One shelf at a time instead of one room at a time. But that is so not in my nature. I've attempted to do this but I get stuck and give up.

Think I should have told them that there was cow poop in that dirt?

Then some weeks I have something kick me in the ass and I get moving. I actually DO something productive. Yesterday as soon as the boys were in school I came home and gutted their room. I fixed their poorly hung clothes and picked up the piles of clothes under the bed and in the corner. I brought a trash bag, a laundry basket and a broom into their rooms. I made their beds, got rid of a few babies and went through every toy in their room. Based on the houses of my friends my kids aren't overly laden with toys but they certainly have more than enough. And, they don't play with any of them. Truly they don't. I think part of the problem is that they can't SEE the toys they have. When Raph was little I would rotate toys. That was when I had one child and far fewer things in the house. The same old toy becomes fresh and new every 2 weeks. Glorious! Now, I don't have time for that shit!

I worked up a literal sweat and cleaned out their room. I filled a trash bag with garbage and happy meal toys and two laundry baskets of toys that I will attempt to sell at a resale shop or donate to charity. You'd be amazed to see what I found UNDER the dresser and behind the bookshelves. I found missing puzzle pieces and toy parts and accessories all over the place. Then I hit Heidi's room. Then the living room. I made a brief stop in the basement to find the remaining missing pieces to toys I'm going to sell and stashed the confiscated goods. I picked up Colin from school and all he said when we came home was, "Did you clean my room Mommy?" See! He didn't even notice that he has 75% less toys than he did a few hours earlier.

Why even bother? How can you get anything done when stuff like this happens? And don't even get me started on Heidi and anything that makes marks...

I've been taking this slash and burn mentality to every room in the house. I am in no way a hoarder but there is just so much superfluous stuff in our house that we do not need or use. If we don't use it, it goes...or I think about making it go. Especially if its something the kids have outgrown. No need for that stuff to linger and take up space and create clutter. I have a attempt to sell/ready to donate pile in my laundry room. Its bordering on epic at this point. I think I'm going to have to call a charity that will make a pick up, otherwise I'm going to have to take a few trips to Goodwill to get rid of it all. But, before that can happen...I have to write down everything in the pile. I don't know if anyone else does this but I make detailed notes over the course of the year about what I donate. Then at the end of the year I figure out the value of the donated goods to deduct on my taxes. It may seem like more work but it adds up quickly. Last year we donated a couple thousand dollars worth of unused stuff. I don't say a onesie is worth $10 either, I give it a fair thrift store value and move on.

I've been purging and cleaning and doing all the extra work around the house this week that I feel accomplished. I am making a difference even if it is a huge pain in my ass. I had a bunch of phone calls I needed to make. I dread making phone calls. Not sure why it is but its the last hold over of my painfully shy nature. I hate calling people I don't know or any phone conversation that is uncomfortable. So, if it requires a phone call I put it off. Today I made 4 of those phone calls. Its stupid. My eye doctors say that if a contact is defective or you lose one or whatever that you can call and get a replacement. I wear monthly contacts and over the last year I've had THREE defective or torn contacts. That's 2 months worth of contacts gone to waste and those suckers are expensive. I made the call today and I can pick them up at any time. Its a little thing but a huge thing all at once.

This is all so rambling and jumbled but I'm in a flurry. Or maybe I'm just manic, but I'm getting things done this week. I need to roll with it and keep it going for as long as possible. Especially if its something difficult to do with 3 kids in tow...summer is looming on the horizon and I'm scared. I'm buzzing with nervous energy at this point because I had 4 hours of sleep but I must keep moving. If I sit down and stop for too long I will crash and burn. Its similar to those first months after you have a baby. This is also why I painted my living room when Heidi was a month old. If you never stop moving you never stop moving. Funny how that works huh?

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