Monday, September 19, 2011

Who's got their shit together?

I never feel like I do. Ever.

Well, that's not entirely true, some days the stars align just so and if you squint a little it looks like its juuuuuust right. Kind of like how if the lights are dim, I turn my torso just so and I'm not wearing contacts it looks like I have a six pack!

Anyway, as I bumble around I look at these other mom's who really seem to look like they have it all going their way. Their hair is fixed and make up just so, kids neatly groomed and walking holding her hand. Meanwhile, I haven't showered, Heidi has yogurt sculpting her eyebrows, Colin's wearing mismatched, non-weather appropriate clothes and Raph is picking his nose. We will loudly make our way through the grocery store and someone comments on just how many children I have. Huh? I only have 3, that's not really very many and they are widely spaced at that.

So it really confounds me when someone asks me how I do it because I always seem to have my shit together.

::picks jaw up off the floor::

Whaaa? I wonder why that is. I mean my kids are generally clean, healthy and CPS hasn't taken them away from me so I'm not terrible but I don't think I'm something to look up to in the slightest. Yet people ask me for advice. I just have no idea what to make of that sentiment.

I spoke to some other mom friends once and we've all decided that you see your worst and everyone else sees your best. It only seems effortless from the outsider because they aren't doing at that moment. What they don't see is that you have cramps that make you want to cry, your 4 year old has spent the last 15 minutes screaming in the car, you have a mess of a house, your 2 year old hasn't slept in 3 days and your 7 year old failed a spelling quiz because you didn't help him with his homework, you are late for a doctor's appointment and your car has a funny smell that you just can't locate. What they see is a woman walking into school with her three kids who bounce around behind her. What they don't know is that the screaming stopped because a cookie was promised and the other two are dejected or exhausted so there's no fight left in them. Then you walk around the grocery store trying to piece together a quasi-healthy dinner that no one is allergic to and most everyone will eat. Its either that or throw in the towel, go to McDonald's and fix a large vodka tonic at home.

There's always more to everyone's story. I think some people project it more than others and I seem to keep up a pretty good facade whilst in public. So my advice to you, since you asked, was to help out the lady in the store with a screaming kid. If she dropped something pick it up, smile and say, "I've been there too." Don't feel superior that your toddler is currently happy looking at stuff from inside the shopping cart because as soon as you round the corner she will start screaming she wants OUT and will promptly knock over a display.

And the mom who always looks perfect? Maybe that's the one thing she does for herself that day. For all you know the dog threw up on her yoga pants and she cried while putting on trousers because all she wanted to do was wear yoga pants and a tshirt. And the mom with the charming, cheery children who are so polite and outgoing? Yeah turns out that kid won't eat food. There is a constant daily struggle to have a complete meal without a fight or gagging or hysterics and a fight with her husband.

Everyone has their burden, you just may not be able to see it at first glance. Ask her, though, and you will find out that everything is a wreck just like you. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, a world with parents who can't get their shit together, but I do think to a certain degree that is true. Everyone has their moments where life seems to glide by without a hitch and then there are those days where all you want to do is get a hotel room for 1 so you can sleep uninterrupted for at whole 5 hrs!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


There's a reason God made babies and small children cute. If they weren't so damn cute you would surely drop them off at QuikTrip. Seriously.

And you know how they say, "It only takes a minutes ______" They ain't freakin' lyin'! This is what Heidi did today in just a minute of *coloring*.

And she looks remorseful until you see the next picture I took.

I honestly don't think she could be any cuter.

I keep going back to that first picture and thinking to myself, "This is motherhood: A train wreck but at the same time you can't help but just smile and laugh to yourself."

I was mad when I saw her brand spankin' new outfit and her skin because those stupid dobbers do NOT wash off. But then again, how undeniably cute is she?! Then I went out and someone gasped and asked how she got a black eye. Damn kids...

By the by, the number one reason people found my blog last month via google was because of "Tape On Child Mouth". AWESOME. I swear I did not put tape on Colin's mouth, Raph did. Cross my heart and swear to CPS!
This was Heidi trying to sneak into Colin's gymnastics class. If she hadn't had a *black* eye and a tutu I'm pretty sure the coaches would have kicked her out.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Everyone who is ever around kids will at some point say with astonishment, "You are so BIG! When did that happen?!" As if its a surprise to anyone that small humans get bigger. In the defense of the general population it is astonishing at times. You may not notice your children have grown a little each day until you put their jeans on for the first time of the season. Then, by golly, they don't fit after sitting in a drawer for four months! Crazy right? Or the jeans you bought 3 weeks ago are suddenly too short. THOSE are the moments I'm talking about. Or how last year Raph skipped size 7. Yeah that was a real pisser. I updated his jeans twice last year and they still never really fit. Plus all his new shirts left his wrists exposed. Sometimes it reminded me of Chris Farley singing "Fat guy in a little coat"

Look at those teeth. Poor kid can barely eat he's losing them so quickly.

That's the thing, these damn kids never stop growing! And sometimes it happens all at once. You can see it coming because one week they will consume a third of their body weight in one meal. Repeat for at least 7 days and then they become really emotional, crabby and a joy to be around. Fall asleep sitting up, in the car and in the middle of the living room. Next thing you know your kid that wakes YOU every day has to be shaken awake so they don't miss the bus. Those are the signs of a new wardrobe on the horizon.

It can be remarkable to see kids' physical growth but the more subtle changes can be even more impressive. Raph, for example, has grown immensely over the summer. He's my timid and cautious one and borders on anxiety riddled at times. Early in the summer we found out that he was no longer allergic to milk or egg. This is HUGE and terrifying. He couldn't hide behind his allergies any longer. I think he generally had legitimate fears of foods. If you've been told your whole life that food can make you very very sick its understandable to be wary. He took it to the next next level though. He refused to try new foods. He would literally mutter to himself, sigh, whimper and wriggle around in his seat for an hour or more if you wanted him to taste one bite of mac'n'cheese. For real. He was so distraught and would cry and get so worked up over one little bite. Its fine when you are home and in a controlled environment but if you ever want to go somewhere else? Oy.

He was on a horse for the first time ever. LOVED it naturally.

After spending 2+ weeks in Texas I had had enough of this nonsense. I was tired of worrying if there was anything Raph would eat, or making special arrangements or whatever. Plus Colin, who idolizes his big brother, stopped "liking" foods he used to happily eat because Raph didn't want to try them. That shit was not going to fly.

We told Raph that on no uncertain terms, he would try a new food every day. Period. I could be something small like bread with butter on it. Or a ::gasp:: chicken taco. Or a piece of string cheese. Something. Every. Day. He was so crushed at the prospect and overcome with anxiety. It was difficult for the first 2 weeks. He began the process as he always did. Whining and furrowed brow and fast breathing and wringing of hands. There may have even been some gnashing of teeth in there too but I tried not to watch or speak much. Just ignore it and continue on with my meal.

We started to use analogies. You know that water park we went to? Yep. Well, you were nervous about going down the big slides because they were new and you weren't sure what they were going to be like. Then you went down them and it was SO MUCH FUN! You loved it and wanted to go again. Then it wasn't so scary and you tried a different slide, and another and another. Some were more fun than others and you didn't go down the ones you didn't like. It was exciting wasn't it? YEAH! Food is the same thing. There are so many surprising combinations and you just never know what they will be like and what you will like. Some you may love and others are ok. Every meal doesn't have to be your favorite food, but sometimes you eat things that are just so-so but its ok. Other things you won't like, but now you know.

You know what? After about 2 weeks he got over it. He would come up with things he wanted to try.Heidi helps me cook frequently. This is tilapia sprinkled with paprika
and all three of my kids ask for more. My how things have changed.

Once he was on board we would talk about food differently. You like bread, you like cinnamon and sugar so how about we try toast with butter and a sprinkle of cinnamon-sugar? Yum! We made homemade pasta sauce from tomatoes in the garden. Raph said he liked bread so maybe he could dip a piece of bread in his sauce. He loved it. He knew he liked sauce and he knew he liked pasta so he put sauce on his pasta! Then we had a baked pasta dish. He knew he liked saucy pasta so how about saucy pasta with cheese and meat? Not his favorite but he did eat some of it and liked it well enough. Oh and he discovered the wonder that is garlic bread!

Yesterday he tried an appetizer I made. It was a crostini with feta and lemon and topped with cucumbers and sea salt and pepper. That was a little much and he thought the feta was too sour (fair enough) but proceeded to eat about a half of a cucumber topped with sea salt. He was so confident and self assured fixing his own cucumbers. We had a dinner guest and Raph said, "Oh yeah, I'm just making some cucumbers with SEA salt." My little chef in action.

We still have nights where he isn't thrilled about our dinner options and starts to complain about how many bites and all those annoying things kids do when they don't want to eat. Generally, though, he will willingly try something without fuss. He gives food an honest try before he decides if doesn't like it. If he doesn't love it he will continue and eat it anyway because that's what we are having. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. Finally we are on the road to normalcy. And if only Heidi wasn't so limited we could go to restaurants more often. They are all old enough to sit in a booth and wait for food without to much issue and it would be nice to do that every so often.

I don't know if his new found confidence with food has spilled over to other areas but Raph is gaining in all areas. He now has ridden a horse, fed a horse, pet numerous dogs and even LIKES dogs. Raph has always been terrified of dogs. He's allergic to them (even now after a few years of allergy shots) so we just stay away from them. But, other people have dogs. Lots of people in fact. You'd think they were man's best friend or something. Anyway, a screaming man-child of a boy who tries to climb on top of a car if a dog comes anywhere near him is a little much. In the last month he's been forced into situations where there have been dogs. Nice dogs, no barking or jumping, just tail wagging dogs. Repeated exposure, not unlike the daily food tasting, has made the world of difference. Know how I know? He loves a mastiff. Yes, a mastiff. Have you seen those suckers? I think they are more horse than dog. We left the party with the mastiff and Raph wanted to say bye to him one last time because he wasn't sure how long it would be before he could pet him again. Wait, whaaa?

Heidi seems to be a dog lover on the other hand. She was an infant sitting up and getting balled over by a group of lab puppies and laughing her little butt off while her older brothers were screaming and climbing the backs of couches. They were PUPPIES. Like, hold in one hand puppies just old enough to be adopted out puppies. Terror or joy for my kids. Heidi loved the "BIG doggy" this weekend too of course but also another smaller breed. She had the death grip on this poor dog and told everyone, "Mine doggy." Then later on she got to hold a puppy and she had a look of sheer joy on her face and she squealed, "I GOT A PUPPY!!!" She's a very different temperament than Raph so it doesn't surprise me that a dog 5x bigger than her is her favorite thing.

He ate cheese pizza at a ballpark, and tried nachos. Willingly.

After all this repeated exposure to new and different and scary things I have a 7 yr old who talks about the day when he's not allergic and can have his own dog and is always looking for the next thing to taste.

That is the kind of growth that takes your breath away.